Best & Most Selected One Liners

Best collection of One Liners from various categories and different time. Updated regularly..

• My girlfriend is like my iPad...I don`t have an iPad.
• Don't flatter yourself sweet heart. The only fan you got is on the ceiling.
• Mario,I wasted my childhood to save your bitch.
• Save the planet!Kill yourself.
• Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
• Wise men talk because they have something to say;  fools, because they have to say something.
• You have kind eyes. The kind I'd like to poke out. 
• Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one's for you!
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
• Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
• I go to bed with 2 socks and wake up with 1. 
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• "I didn`t do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it, is a freaking genius!"
• "I wasn`t that drunk." "Dude, you asked your girlfriend if she was single."
• Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23
• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
•  Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
• If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?
• Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?
• Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
• If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
• If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
• Q: How does Einstein begin a story? A: Once upon a space-time......
•  What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? 

          "Lifting his leg so you can vacuum."

•  Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases, it's almost impossible. 
• If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? 
• A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than mine." 
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• How do men sort their laundry?

        "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable" 

• What is the thinnest book in the world?

        "What Men Know About Women"

• How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

        One ... men will screw anything.

• I love pandas.They're not racists. They are black and white, and Asian.

• Dear white crayon, What is it that you do here... exactly?

        Sincerely, the other crayons.

• Tip to reduce weight:

         First turn your head to the right and then turn it to the left.
         Repeat the exercise everytime you are offered something to eat

•  SARCASM - Just one of the many services I offer.

• Officer to drunk boy : "How high are you?" 

          Drunk Boy: No officer, its "Hi! How are you?

• 3 am phone call "hey are you asleep?"

        "No, I'm skydiving"....

•  Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

        While you guys were arguing about the cup of water. I drank it.
        Sincerely, The Opportunist.

• How do you get holy water?

         Boil the hell out of it.